those eyes.

my sister and i went out to enjoy our birthdays today.

we went and got our nails done and had a cup of tea at the corner side cafe

just kidding.

we went to a movie and really only talked for about twenty minutes.

but it was fun and enjoyable 

i got to be with just her.

 there is something different i have always noticed about anna

i never quite got why they were different but i knew they were

many of you know anna has severely dry eyes

she turned twenty five on saturday and has been told multiple times she has eyes as dry as an eighty five year old.

but those eyes are what's different

anna has bright hazel eyes that always seem to glimmer.

today she wore a green hat and her eyes were so alive.

i know almost better than anyone that behind those eyes is pain

the pain of growing up

i've watched anna

-go through high school

 -relationships

-and loss

i have seen the world break her 

and i know it continuously does

 just like it does to me and you.

but still her eyes glimmer

and shine

 and her life does the same

anna always loves on

with her beautiful eyes 

and her bold heart.

and if she can make it thorugh with the grace and beauty she upholds

then i can too.

i am blessed.

i love you annie. 

hap hap happy birfday!

nothing like his arms.

i am blessed to go to such a loving church

and lately every message has been hitting the spot

i love how i have joy to get up on sunday and go to church.

this last week pastor talked about how no matter how hard things get you have a father that will never leave you or forsake you.

he emphasized how no one has the power or authority to keep God's promises from your life.

i believe it so deeply and the sermon just gave me a little bit of hope.

and at the end pastor boone asked us to step out into the aisles if we were someone hurting

i hesitated (i always do)

and then i stepped out and people came to pray with me.

it is so good to know you have a family of love standing behind you to hold you up.

i felt a hand on my back and i knew right away it was my dads.

i know his touch.

and when the people had finished praying for me i stepped back into my pew

tears filled my eyes and my dad wrapped me in his arms

oh what comfort his arms provide

i love it.

he rested his chin on my head and just held me.

he knew what i needed

he knew all i wanted was to be held 

did i mention i love it.

hugs mean so much to me, if you really know me then you know that.

there is nothing like my dad's arms wrapped around me

it everything perfect

there i can be me and there i am safe and protected from everything that hurts

i know one day i will be wrapped in my real fathers arms 

but for now my daddy does it pretty well

i couldn't be more blessed with the arms God provided to hold me til the day he can himself.

a taste of truth.

water trickles and steam rises from behind the curtain

the young girl feels the warm water hit her shoulders and she breaths.

weights hang one by one on her frail chest

and pain beats in her broken heart

suds form; she tries to scrub the memories out of her mind

but they overcome her once again

the air suffocates her and she falls and hits the concrete tub

the water pounds her back and the steam swarms her small, weak body

salty tears flow onto her lips 

and there she sobs

praying to God that she will be spared

that in the coming days the world will be kind

and life will seem fair and right...

just for once

she stands slowly and the metal weights clink
 she lifts them one by one and hangs them back onto her chest where they belong

she's forgotten what carefree is and she prays to have her days back

she knows better though

she knows she is not home

and that the journey is long and the road is narrow

she breaths, but the air is too thick and it grabs at her throat and lungs

afraid of sinking down again,

afraid of having to use her strength to lift all those weights back to their spot, 

she leans her head against the cool tile

and breaths.
 the weights shift on her chest

and the tears stream down her rosy cheeks.

i normally only write these kind of posts in my journal but lately i am sick of people being fake and covering up, so here is a different styled writing of mine (it's a tad bit more serious).

perfection in a love story.

at the beginning of this weekend 

(as i ate ice cream straight from the carton)

i asked my mom how she actually met my dad.

she told me her friends told her they had a guy they thought she should meet

and she agreed to meet them over at his house when she got done with work

she ended up being the first one there

it was a small, junky house and

my dad was out in the yard with his dog jerry

(big surprise)

my mom stopped there.

so of course i asked,

"well what'd you think of him"

she chuckled and said,

 "i thought he was a hick!"

(i might have choked on the overally huge spoonful of ice cream i had just shoved in my mouth)

but then she turned around and said,

"im kidding maria. what do you think i thought?... i married him"

<3

my mom.

i promised myself i would never let it happen but

it already has.

I am becoming my mother.

I notice myself throwing my hand into the passenger seat when i have to stop fast

[not that i do a lot, i'm a very safe driver]

and

not putting make up but instead just going without for a day

[i know i'm beautiful either way]

and 

wiping off the counter even when there is nothing on it

and 

letting the dog in when she is barking so it doesn't annoy the neighbors even if i am in a comfy spot

and

 buying M&M's from the man selling them outside Walmart for a good cause, not because i have money but just because its the right thing to do.

and now that i think about it...

i wouldn't want to be anybody else.

love ya mom bushels and bunches.

4 gone. 4 strong.

i have a nephew, he is three now

such a big boy, growing everyday

little black curls covering his head

he smiles and Jesus sweeps him up and twirls him around.

i miss you lucas

i have a pastor, steady in faith

healthy and strong, bushy browed

cancer free, walking with Jesus

i miss you pastor rod

i have a treasure, special in the greatest of ways

smiling always, chubby cheeked

happy and content, Jesus holds him tonight

i miss you jojo

i have a friend, a fighter like no other

courageous and brave

kind, with a simple heart 

a day maker.

he met Jesus today

i miss you derek

heaven is four strong.

moments.

oh in the midst of the crappy first week of school blues i've had some moments.

moments that made me feel... you know um... good and happy now that i think about it.

follow with me through my this weeks moments.

*bike rides with dad

*walks with mom

*winks from my boy

*talks with friends

(older and young)

*trying out change

(that one was difficult to type)

*doggy smiles

*broken bowls

*brotherly hugs

*good music

*windows down

*lunch table mishaps

*kubb

(ya thats right, google it)

*teaching scottie k. to shoot a BB gun

*being schooled by scottie k. in a BB gun shooting competition

(the pride comes before the fall friends)

*steve irwin accents

*studying with dad

*parking badly

(its the first week give me a break)

*nightly bible readings 

*peach tea 

*iced coffee....

see i noticed sometimes you have to make your own moments

things definitely dont go as planned but that is not necessarily bad.

find the joy in the little things like

broken bowls and peach tea.